Why Torchinsky Moved Out of LA

"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko)
07/30/2014 at 23:01 • Filed to: jalopniks mysteries solved

As you know, Jason Torchinsky is moving from LA to North Carolina. However, he never gave a reason why. So, I did a little sleuthing, and what I found may shake you to your inner core. You might not ever see the world the same again if you continue to read.

As it turns out, Jason does more than just write for Jalopnik and come up with crazy ideas. He was also an adjunct teacher at UCLA for nearly 10 years. The following is an account of what happened during his last weeks on the job.

6/01/2014: 10:00 am, Jason Torchinsky receives a text message from Matt Hardigree saying, "See Dean 4 details ASAP." Jason meets with the dean from 10:35-11:00 am. He then leaves the campus and drives to LAX. 3:00 pm, Torchinsky boards the first plane in a trip to Morocco

6/02/2014: 5:00 am, Torch lands in Casablanca. He receives a text message from Matt, "Get in the rental Hilux. Use only burner phone found in glovebox. $ also." 5:30 am, Jason leaves airport. Communication records missing for next 10 days.

6/12/2014: 2:35 am, Hardigree receives a phone call. 2:40 am, neighbors report him yelling, "WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!!!"

6/13/2014: 6:12 pm, a bruised and slightly bloodied Jason Torchinsky is found walking along a road by a group of locals in Algeria. He has been muttering, "I killed all of those fuckers," but is otherwise in ok condition. He is wearing a backpack that is carrying a small, but heavy object.

6/14/2014: 5:30 pm, after being cleaned up and treated to a large meal, Jason leaves the Algerian village heading back towards Morocco.

6/15/2014: 6:00 am, Torchinsky boards a privet jet heading to Switzerland. 3:00 pm, Jason is involed in a car chase through the Swiss Alps. His borrowed Bentley Continental GT V8 easily gets ahead of the bank manger's CLS 320 CDI. 7:00 pm, Torch arrives at Ramstein Air Base and boards a US bound military transport with his backpack in tow.

6/17/2014: 9:00 am, Jason Torchinsky meets with Matt Hardigree in Gawker HQ. Matt asks, "so you have it?" "Yes," responds Jason, as he pulls out a golden Wankel Rotary engine. Travis Okulski yells at them to stop shining those damn flashlights at his eyes. Jason stuffs it back into the backpack and hands it to Hardigree. "So, where is it going?" Torch asks. Matt looks at the back pack long and hard before responding with, "somewhere safe. Now take it back to LA." 12:00 pm, Jason Torchinsky flies out of NYC for LA. 6:00 pm, Jason leaves LAX and drives to UCLA. 6:40 pm, Jason hands the backpack over to a UCLA maintenance worker who takes it into a large underground storage facility.

7/29/2014: 3:30 pm, seals blow out and the UCLA water main breaks flooding the campus. The golden Wankel Rotary disappears.